NTAG Tales: Back When Nut Joined
by Nut862
Summary: Nut, who is extremely against guilds, decides to gather her courage and enter the NTAG House. But this is only the beginning...
1. Decision to Join

No guild invitations had ever found their way to the mailbox of a certain house on Rainbow Lane. Such things had been blocked since before the mistress of the house was old enough to receive any. The barely teenage girl, called Nut862 by her own refined naming instincts (the same ones that turned out her pets' thoughtful christenings: Sparkler943, Quiggler4268, and Floater6507), was now sorting through a high stack of Neomails that had arrived in the morning.

Nut, as the girl preferred to be called, ripped open a yellow envelope and read the Neomail aloud. "'hi nut plz join my guild itz a good gild u will lyk it'. Who on earth is this person, and how dare they write my name in all lowercase?"

The letter joined a pile of similar messages in a delete bin. Nut tore open another message. "'My guild is the best guild ever; all of our happy slav—members have had a much better life after agreeing to be brainwa—to join my magnificent guild, in which all the members hail to m—to the, uh, Money Tree. If you join, you will be allowed to donate to the greatest guild in existence by giving your free wil—your items to m—to be distributed among members every month. Join today or else! No faerie lovers allowed. We especially like to have Grundos.'" Nut rolled her eyes. "This guy has one convincing pitch. I happen to like faeries, and am not a Grundo but a Kiko." She tossed the letter into the trash.

"You're a human," said a blue Shoyru matter-of-factly. She was one of Nut's pets, and was the owner of the aforementioned name Sparkler943.

"I am a Purple Kiko," replied the girl. If she was a Kiko at the moment, she was doing an amazing job of looking exactly like a human, but Sparkler chose not to comment on this.

"Let me see what this letter says… 'My guild is dedicated 2 electronic toy piano keyboard batteries made by companies in the southwest on snow days. If you like said batteries, b sure 2 join my guild.' Honestly, why do all these guild invitations keep coming?" Nut exclaimed.

"They're not guild invitations. They're Neomails inviting you to guilds," Sparkler answered sagely.

"They're so annoying. Yet another reason why I'm never going to join a guild," Nut exclaimed. "How many more of these things do I have to look through before I can get back to writing something for the Neopian Times?"

Sparkler glanced at the stack and declared, "No less than fifty-five. Shall I get the form letter ready?"

"Yes, please," Nut said. "I'm sorry to reject them, but there's no way I'm ever going to join one of these crazy guilds."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Far away from the girl/Kiko's home, inside a rather roomy library, a Meepit was jumping off of a large building as it burned.

"Not again! My rates for Plankton insurance are already sky-high," cried the owner of the house, a girl named Tdyans.

"We'd better rebuild it quickly," said a female Royal Korbat, who had flitted out of an upper story window just before a certain resident pyromaniac had set a match to the place. The escaping Meepit ran over to her, and she continued, "I just had a feeling that somewhere in Neopia, there's a Neopian Times writer who refuses to join a guild. We'll have to be ready to show her, won't we?" She grinned.

"There's no escaping from NTAG," said the pyromaniac, who was staring at the smoldering building with a satisfied expression on her face. "Lucky I burned it down, so it'll be all newly built when the new member comes."

The guild members chuckled, and the Meepit listened with a knowing look in its usually blank eyes. What was only a joke among members was soon to become a reality.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Nut wandered around the Games Room, sighing. Her Neopian life felt so empty. She'd already sent three scores that day for Mootix Drop, Hasee Bounce, Faerie Cloud Racers II, Magma Blaster, Typing Terror, Turmac Roll, and basically all the games she loved to play. Yet no matter how much time she spent improving her skills at the games, the fun they gave her was offset by the lack of purpose. Was she going to spend all her days in Neopia slowly accumulating Neopoints through repetitious gaming, with no ultimate reward other than the funds to buy a Paint Brush or two?

"The problem is that I don't know anyone," Nut said to herself. "There are so many people in the world of Neopia, and I'm all alone."

"Alone? Excuse me? What about us?" a slightly insulted-looking blue Shoyru reminded the girl. "Are four pets not enough company for you?"

"Oh, no, you guys are great. But I'd like to have some human Neopians for friends, too. I am a human as well, after all."

"Strange. Just a little while ago you were a Kiko," Sparkler mumbled.

"I just don't know where I'd meet anyone," Nut said, more to herself than to the Shoyru. "I don't dare post on the NeoBoards, for fear of inciting a monitor—or worse, a n00b—with some harmless statement."

"Guilds are known to be great places to meet people," Sparkler mentioned.

Nut's expression hardened. "Me, join the throngs of people who Neomail me with broken grammar and atrocious spelling, asking me to become part of a group that celebrates something that I have no interest in whatsoever? I resolved never to join a guild, Sparkler."

"Not all guilds are full of illiterate chatspeakers that revere weird things," Sparkler said.

"Perhaps so, but how would I know what guild is right for me? I don't have a clue where to start looking."

"Well, I hardly think it's a wonder that you don't know anyone. You blocked Neofriend requests; you turn down every guild invitation sent to you, and you never visit the boards. I don't see how you expect to make friends if you refuse to ever leave your NeoHome," Sparkler said bluntly.

"I can always pass the time reading the Neopian Times," Nut murmured. Lately she'd been digging around in the Times archives, reading old issues of Neopia's greatest newspaper. It was interesting to take a dive into the Times' past and dredge up classics from a time period that Nut herself had never seen. She was one of the new generation writers, but that fact only roused her interest in the well-known authors of times gone by.

Nut opened an old issue of the newspaper and scanned the page for something that looked interesting. Her eyes fell on an article, and she began reading. It was quite good, but what caught her eye was the author's note at the bottom of the page.

"_Author's Note: Dedicated to NTAG…_"

The note piqued Nut's curiosity. She had seen that acronym mentioned in several pieces published in the old issues of the Neopian Times, but she had no idea what it stood for. What was this NTAG spoken of? Was it some sort of clan that writers were required to be a part of, perhaps? Or a powerful deity that Neopian Times writers revered? Or maybe NTAG was the initials of someone with a very long name, such as Nathan Thomas August Goodoverevilmuahahasson or something, who was very well known among writers and as such everyone dedicated their stories to him.

It was of little matter. Nut continued reading. Before long, another author's note attracted her attention:

"_Author's Note: Thanks to the Neopian Times Appreciation Guild…_"

Nut's mind began working. Two and two came together, and suddenly it all made sense. "N… Neopian. T… Times. Appreciation… A. Guild… G!" she said aloud, delighted with the revelation. She felt a sense of triumph with the knowledge that her excellent logic skills had cracked the mystery of the acronym. NTAG was a guild, apparently. That made more sense than the deity idea, now that she thought of it.

Guilds. The one thing that Nut had never been interested in, and which annoying Neomails had driven her to shun. The one thing that she had made a firm decision to steer clear of for as long as she lived in Neopia. Yet all of these Neopian Times writers were part of that one guild, and they clearly loved it there. Nut felt strangely left out.

Nut shook her head. She'd said that she'd never join a guild, and Nut was a girl—or Kiko—of her word (or at least that's what she liked people to think). She would not be joining a guild on impulse.

And she did not join NTAG on impulse. She joined it after weeks of researching and asking herself over and over again if she really wanted to make a commitment like this. Was she ready to leave behind her life as a Neopian hermit and step out into the world of guilds and actual people?

"Just join already," Sparkler said impatiently. The blue Shoyru was standing beside her owner as she stared up at the large, immaculate building inside the Lenny Library. The guild's friendly front window display included an advertisement declaring that all were welcome at NTAG, whether readers or artists or writers. Nut fit into all three of those categories.

Until she joined the guild, Nut could only stand outside of the building and look in the windows. There wasn't much to see through them, since several displays with information about the guild's ongoing activities prevented her from peeking at whatever was actually going on within the walls of the building. The structure appeared to be very well maintained; it looked almost brand new. Surely that was a good sign.

"How long are you going to stand here?" Sparkler asked her wavering owner.

"I'm deciding," Nut said. "Ah, I think I've decided. I'm going to join."

"Finally," Sparkler mumbled.

Nut walked slowly over to the door marked "Join Guild", through which new members were to enter the guild. She placed her hand on the door handle and started to turn it, then stopped. "Wait, no, maybe I should think about it a little longer." She started to walk away.

Sparkler groaned. "You are incredibly indecisive. What's it going to hurt to join?"

"You're right! What am I afraid of? I'm joining!" Nut exclaimed. She turned around and came charging back up to the new members' door. Boldly she flung it open and marched inside the guild.

Cool air greeted her face, and Nut looked around with a sense of awe. The place was huge. The front room was piled with books, and a few comfortable-looking beanbag chairs were sitting around on the floor.

_That was it_, Nut thought, suddenly aware of the magnitude of her decision. _I am a member of NTAG. I can never leave now. I'm going to be part of this guild forever. This is what I wanted, and now I must live it. I can't go back._

"Remember that you can leave the guild at any time," Sparkler said, pointing to the door that Nut had walked through. On this side was written "Leave Guild".

Nut nodded. "I guess from now on, I'll go in and out through this door." She indicated the large front door that only members could use.

"So, do you need me anymore?" Sparkler asked. "If you don't, I'm off to Mystery Island. See you later."

Then the Shoyru was gone. Nut's only companion had left her alone. She crossed the empty library tentatively. She soon found herself facing a doorway, through which light was pouring and the William Tell Overture was blasting. Laughter and voices could be heard coming from the room within. Nut hesitated a moment, knowing that she was about to meet the other members of the guild: Neopian Times writers, artists, and readers like herself. Quickly she stepped into the room and tried to take in everything that was going on there.

Members filled the room, in the form of Neopets and other creatures. Nut felt as if her body had gotten rounder for some reason. She looked down and discovered that her legs were missing and that her arms had turned into fins; her skin was purple with large orange spots. She was a Purple Kiko, just as she had always fancied herself.

Conversation flew back and forth between members; everyone was talking and doing things. Nut thought she saw Jeran run by, followed by a White Lupess. A Techo was listening to jazz music on headphones. A blue Shoyru was happily chomping down a slice of cheese. In the kitchen, the sound of exploding tinfoil came from the microwave. Nut thought she saw the eyes of at least a few Meepits looking at her from unseen places. That didn't really bother her, though, as she rather liked Meepits herself. The guild seemed to be a friendly place, but so much was going on!

The Kiko tried to listen to what everyone was saying at once. She supposed that she should say something to attract attention to herself, since as yet no one knew she was there.

But what to say? The idea of yelling "Hi!" came to her several times, but that seemed pointless, and she doubted that she'd be heard over the firing cannons anyway. At length she said, "I just joined the guild, having avoided guilds for most of my Neopian life, so please excuse my n00bishness. It isn't so great to be cooking something in the microwave and have it blow up and be left with an exploded metallic thing," she added in the hopes of making her introductory greeting more interesting.

Several people turned to Nut. A girl using the Lost Desert Plot avatar was the first to speak. "Welcome to NTAG, Nut! I'm Slamina. I hope you enjoy your stay," she said warmly.

"Thanks for the welcome," Nut said, smiling.

"I'm Nimras," called the White Lupess as she ran past, pursuing a blue Lupe in armor. "I like showers and my blue fuzzy, Jeran."

"Help," Jeran said, throwing a plaintive look at Nut. "She won't stop chasing me!"

"Stop running and let me catch you, fuzzy," Nimras replied, grinning.

Several other guild members began introducing themselves. "Hi, I'm Nanook," said the Techo who was listening to music.

"I'm Mashy," said a certain person who loved mashed potatoes.

"I'm Nano," said the blue Shoyru, whipping a cheese mallet out from behind her back.

"I'm Plankton, the resident pyromaniac," said a girl, striking a match as she spoke. "Hey, can I burn down the NTAG House now in preparation for the next new member?"

"No!" Nut exclaimed, horrified.

Plankton sighed. "It's not as if I haven't done it before. Over two hundred times, if I remember correctly."

A Kyrii slunk stealthily into the room, ninja weapons at the ready. Upon seeing Nut, he said grandly, "Greetings, newbish person. I am Geo VII, the official guild greeter. Enjoy your stay at our insane guild."

Nut grinned, suddenly feeling right at home. She'd only been in the main room for a short while and already it seemed that she'd always been a part of this guild.

"I can't believe I didn't join sooner."


	2. Roffle's Long Lost Friend

The Purple Kiko bounced through the halls of NTAG. She had been living at her guild for a few weeks now, and she was thoroughly enjoying herself. It was the perfect place for Nut.

From another area of NTAG, Nut heard someone yell a word that was new to her ears. It sounded like a roffle, but the second letter was prolonged. "Roofle!"

From above, Nut heard a series of thud-thud-thud noises as if something was rolling off the roof. The thuds ended abruptly, to be followed by a loud WHAM!

Nut bounced outside to find out what happened. She discovered Mashy lying on the ground, laughing hard. Several NTAGers had gathered around her.

"What happened?" Nut asked.

"She roofled!" Nanook said excitedly.

"What?"

"That's when you laugh so hard that you fall off the roof!"

The sound of a chainsaw started, and a Royal Korbat elbowed her way through the group. "Does she need a doctor?" Heather asked, holding her chainsaw professionally.

"I'm fine," Mashy said, jumping up. "But oh, that was so funny!"

"You don't need an operation? Rats. Well, is anyone else here feeling ill?" Heather looked around, her chainsaw at the ready.

"I think we're fine," Nut said quickly.

A blue Shoyru came flying down, munching on a piece of cheese. "Today is a great day!" she said joyously. "Roofle has entered our midst, and we just got a new shipment of cheese. I'm going to eat some to celebrate the birth of Roofle!" She chomped down on the piece of cheddar she was holding.

Nut glanced up at the roof of NTAG. To her surprise, she thought she saw a pair of wispy figures standing there. They were none other than Roffle and Roofle. Nut squinted into the sun at them and strained her ears to hear their whispery voices.

"My long-lost friend," Roffle said breathlessly. "I never dreamed I'd find you again."

"Nor did I, but we are reunited at last," Roofle said.

"We are a pair."

"Not quite. If you remember, I was always better than you," Roofle said.

"What?" Roffle exclaimed.

"Well, you merely make someone laugh. _I_ make them laugh and fall off the roof. I clearly have more going for me." Roofle tossed his head.

"Hey! I was coined by the Grammar Wolf herself!" Roffle cried. "I am grammatically correct, while you are just a misspelling of me. You should be ashamed!"

"Some of the greatest words are formed out of misspellings. Did you know that 'pwn' was originally a misspelling?"

"What's so great about Pwn? You can't even pronounce it!"

"Sure you can. It's pronounced 'pawn'," Roofle declared.

Roffle smirked. "No, it's said the same as 'own'. Ha!" She looked triumphant.

Nut watched the two words' argument with fascination. Her attention was broken by Nano's exclamation, "I'm going to go up and try a roofle myself!"

"I see someone has need of me," Roofle said. "Well, I must get back to work."

Roffle frowned, and that was the last Nut saw of the figures. They faded away, and the only thing she could see atop the roof now was the blue Shoyru who had climbed up there.

"I ish all ready to roofle!" Nano declared. She sat back with a piece of cheese and began to munch away contentedly. "Now I wait for you guys to say something funny."

She didn't have to wait long, since not only did the NTAGers have a habit of saying funny things, but Nano found humor in nearly everything they said. She was one of the most frequent rofflers in the guild. So, within minutes, the blue Shoyru was tumbling down the roof as she yelled "ROOFLE!"

WHAM! Nano landed in a heap before Nut, laughing. "My first roofle!"

"Are you hurt?" Heather asked hopefully.

"Yes," Nano said, grinning and rubbing her bruises as she stood up. "But it's okay. I still have my cheese!"

"Darn." Heather looked longingly at her chainsaw.

"I think I'd better do something before anyone does get hurt," Slamina said. She installed safety nets around the roof to catch falling rooflers.

"Roofle!" shouted Nanook, falling off the roof.

The net caught her. She leaned back in the netting. "Hey, this is comfortable! Almost like a hammock!"

A shout of "Come back!" came from the roof.

"Nanook! Get out of the net!" cried Slamina.

It was too late. An armor-clad blue Lupe ran straight off the roof in his hurry to get away from Nimras. He fell into the safety net, landing on top of the Techo. "Oof!"

The White Lupess came down right after him, landing on top of Jeran. "My fuzzy!" she cried. "I caught you at last!"

"How do I get out of here?" Jeran moaned.

"Get off of me," Nanook grunted.

"ROOFLE!" For the second time that day the blue Shoyru fell off the roof, but this time she brought a giant pile of cheese down with her. She, and all the cheese, landed in the net.

"The scent of cheese… overwhelming," Jeran gasped.

"Isn't it great?" Nano said happily.

Snap! The weight of the cheese combined with Nano, Nanook, Nimras, and Jeran and all of his armor caused the safety net to break. They came toppling to the ground. Nanook landed with a loud thud. "Oof!"

Jeran landed on top of Nanook. "Oof!" she repeated.

Nimras landed on top of Jeran. "Nooo!" he howled.

Nano landed on top of Nimras. The Lupess barely noticed. "My fuzzy!"

Nano's cheese landed on top of all of them, burying them under a giant heap of cheese. Only Nano's head stuck out of the top of the pile. She grabbed a piece of cheese and bit into it. "Yum!"

"Get me out of here!" came a voice from inside the pile of cheese.

"Get this cheese off of me!" another cried.

"I will," Nano said placidly. "Just wait. I have to eat it first. Mm, this is good."

Slamina eyed the torn safety net. "That might not work to catch rooflers after all. Maybe those mats that gymnasts use would be better."  
"I know what'll work," Nut said. She installed a large pool under the NTAG roof. "Everyone knows that water breaks your fall!"

Nut floated up to the roof, prepared to give a demonstration. She rolled to the edge of the roof and purposely fell off. The water looked cool and inviting to her on the way down. It was only when she was a mere few inches away from the surface that she realized she was going to hit it at the wrong angle.

SMACK! The Kiko struck the water flat on her front. She staggered out of the pool, clutching her tummy. "Oww… belly flops… are… not… pleasant," she mumbled.

"So you need a doctor?" Heather asked, running over.

"_No_," Nut said.

"It's bad for your health to not see a doctor regularly," Heather said.

"Chainsaws and Kikos don't mix!"

"Aw, but it's so much fun…"

Plankton came running up on the roof, waving a lit match in the air. "Roofle!"

Her eyes flew open as she fell. "Who put that pool there? Help!" she screamed. The realization that she couldn't escape from the water's clutches dawned on her on the way down. "I can at least save my match!" She threw it as far as she could just before she hit the water.

SPLASH! Plankton climbed out of the pool as fast as she could. "Ahh! Water! It splashes!"

Her match had started a fire in the grass where it fell, and flames were now licking up to Nano's pile of cheese.

"It's getting hot in here," Nanook mumbled from inside the pile.

Nano looked up from the cheese she was eating. Her eyes widened in horror. "Don't burn up my cheese!" she screeched at the flames.

"Hai-yaaa!" Nut splashed water out of the pool, soaking the flames down to a mass of wet blackened grass.

"Nooo!" Plankton wailed. "How could you? I sacrificed my own fiery dignity to save that match!"

"You mean you threw the match away because you knew you were going to get soaked whether you saved it or not," Nut replied.

"Nut, you ish the savior of my cheese," Nano said. "Thank you so much!"

"How about getting off the top of the pile so we can get away from this cheese?" Nanook said.

"I'm not complaining," Nimras said, smiling at Jeran.

"Help," the Lupe said feebly.

Slamina looked at the drenched and upset Plankton. "I don't think the pool is going to work either. We need something else to catch the rooflers."

"We could have a pit of cheese all around," suggested Nano.

"No," Nut said, giving her a look.

"You're right. Then other people might start eating my cheese," Nano said.

"We could just let the rooflers fall," Heather muttered. "They never seem to need a doctor anyway."

Slamina thought for a few minutes. "I know," she said at last. She set up a few large trampolines beneath the roof. "Now when anyone roofles, they'll fall right on the trampoline."

"Hooray!" Nano cried, flying up to the roof to try it out. As soon as she had left the cheese pile, Nanook, Jeran, and Nimras all jumped out. Jeran ran. Nimras followed.

"Roofle!" Nano rolled down the roof and fell on the trampoline.

Boing! The Shoyru sprang high into the air. Up and down she bounced on the trampoline. "Fun!" she squealed.

"Roofle!" Nanook toppled off the roof and bounced off the trampoline. "It works!"

"Perfect," Slamina said. "Roofling is now a safe and enjoyable activity!"

"Hmph." Heather turned off her chainsaw.

"I'm going to eat some cheese to celebrate!" Nano said happily.

On the roof, hidden behind the chimney, Roffle and Roofle were conversing with each other.

"You're only popular right now because they just discovered you," Roffle sniffed.

"You know, no matter how much you argue with me, you'll always be my greatest friend," Roofle said tenderly.

Roffle looked at him and burst out laughing, then fell off the roof.

----------------------------------------------

_Author's Note: I forget who actually coined the word "Roofle", but I hope you enjoyed this chapter anyway. _


End file.
